“The time a donor kissed me in front of his wife…”

0:07

Hello friends. Welcome back to The Nonprofit Diaries, where we share the stories that don't make the newsletter.

0:13

I'm your host, Kimberly Bottom, and our guest for this episode has dedicated herself to serving nonprofits: first through direct work at nonprofits as a fundraiser, executive director, and organizational development adviser, and now expanding that experience into education as an adjunct professor, curriculum designer, and trainer. She is basically a woman who's done the work and then actively shares her learnings.

0:39

I actually met Christa last year at Cause Camp in Pittsburgh. She joined our Cause Camp Coffee Club, where we got together every morning before the conference and just started the day connecting and sharing what we were learning. The minute Christa steps into the coffee shop, the electricity just kicks up a notch. She is this presence that you can feel when she's in a room, because her heart is immediately visible to everyone she engages with.

1:00

And the icing on the cake, as you're about to see: she has a fierce sense of fashion and style, and an incredible sense of humor. Nonprofit Diaries family, please welcome Christa Barry! Christa, so pumped to have you here.

1:14

Thanks for having me! Yeah, I decided to wear all of my hearts today.

1:18

I'm feeling the love! I love how I was like, "You can feel her heart the minute she steps in the room," and you're just manifesting this for me.

1:25

I know! When you said that, I was like, "Well, glad I wore all of them!"

1:28

Oh my gosh, that's so funny. We did not plan this, everyone. We did not plan this!

1:33

No, we did not!

1:33

I love that. Well, thank you for being here. I am so excited to share your story. I want to set the stage for your diary entry with a caveat for our audience. For everyone listening, when I prep to record these podcasts, I usually know the main beats of the story that each guest plans to tell. But this time, Christa shared one sentence with me before I told her, "Stop, stop, stop, stop! That's such a juicy teaser, I don't even want to know what happens next."

1:57

The only thing I know is that Christa once had a donor kiss her at a gala in front of his wife. Christa, set the stage for us.

2:10

I've never told this story!

2:10

Okay, first of all, how were you involved in this gala?

2:14

Oh my gosh. I was a guest. I was running a national program at the time, so there was a lot of interaction with different high-level donors. I don't even think this donor was my specific donor—they weren't donating to where I was working at the time—but they were certainly an important donor in our community. Everyone knows this donor and their family, and we were stewarding them for involvement in our program for sure. So I was just a guest, really.

2:42

As I'm telling this, I've literally never told this to anyone!

2:50

This is a safe space, I promise.

2:54

When you started this podcast, I was like, "This is actually exactly what we need—a space like this where we can share these experiences, because it really brings us all together." So I appreciate this space.

3:06

I was just making my rounds saying hello to everyone. As a fundraiser and someone leading a program that is always building and stewarding new relationships, I had a few donors in mind that I wanted to make sure to see, and this gentleman was one of them. I walked over, as we all do in every normal situation, and went in to say hello, and he stood up and kissed me.

3:36

So you didn't even say, "Hi, I'm Christa" yet, and it just happened?

3:40

He knew of me—we had seen each other in other spaces. His entire table was there. This was a VIP table right in front of a large stage at a 700-person gala in the evening, and we were all dressed up.

3:59

I'm honestly still processing it out loud, because I've never told the story before. It was not intentional on his part at all—it was just a weird moment, like when you go in for a hug and the other person doesn't really know what's going on. So it was a miscommunication.

4:21

I have to ask the question—tell me if I'm being crude—where did it land? Was it a peck on the cheek, or a direct hit?

4:29

No, it was definitely on my lips. It's almost embarrassing to say it, but it was.

4:35

It was one of those social moments where—I've never had one where I instigated, but I've certainly received them—you're like, "That was weird." This was super weird because, of course, his wife was sitting right there, his entire table was there, and all of the team that I was with, including very important people that I worked with, were surrounding me. And I just pretended it didn't happen, honestly.

5:08

So you just kind of moved on? I wasn't sure if the conversation just stopped and everybody stared. Tell me what happened afterward.

5:16

I credit this to my bachelor's degree in theater and all of those acting classes—shoutout to my alma mater for all those improv lessons! It was super uncomfortable for me, to the point where even preparing to talk to you about it, I'm like, "I know I didn't make it up, but you put it in a place in your memory that just isn't real."

5:45

You have to compartmentalize it. That's exactly it—it's so awkward. Luckily, the people that I worked with were behind me. But I'll never forget seeing his wife right there. I just smiled, gave him a hug, had a nice conversation, said, "Great to see you, thanks for all that you do," and I walked away.

6:07

This is my first time ever sharing that with anyone! Why am I saying this now? What's the point of sharing this now? The truth is that weird situations like this—where ethics or behavior are involved—are things that we have to think about, work on, and approach in our work as fundraisers all the time.

6:31

Two questions for you: First, if you had the ability now to look back, would you have reacted differently than you did? Would you have said something, or would present-day Christa tell past Christa something different?

6:50

It's such a good question—I've been thinking about it, too. I'm older now and I've had more experiences, so I think I'm more confident in asserting myself, acknowledging what happened, and saying something about it in the moment—at least to him, acknowledging like, "Oops, that was a mistake."

7:14

I will also say that the environments we work in, the culture of that environment, and how supportive it is for you in these moments is something to reflect on. That's why, all these years later, I'm more comfortable sharing and talking about it. I love sharing knowledge for this sector, and it's important to think through what environments you want to work in: Are they going to be supportive of you? Are they going to have your back? Are they going to believe you if something like this comes up?

7:55

What if someone else saw it, and that story came back to my boss? If I were in that situation today, I would address it with my supervisor to make sure my story was upfront and there weren't any misperceptions. Perception is key in building relationships. Managing those perceptions builds trust, but it also builds culture.

8:32

It does, because correct me if I'm wrong, he didn't say, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry," or anything like that, right?

8:38

Right.

8:38

So in that moment, even if it wasn't malicious intent, we have to cultivate an environment where someone immediately knows, "Oh, that's not okay." Even if it was a mistake, let's call it out and say, "Gosh, that was an awkward moment, so sorry that I put you through that." Until we start saying those things, it's just going to continue.

9:02

Just the other day I was working with a vendor, and they kept calling me "honey." I was like, "I need to say something," but I chickened out. I'll admit that right here: to keep the relationship positive and professional, I just brushed off the casual misogyny in the conversation. But it is so important to stand up for yourself.

9:24

To your point, what was the outcome with that donor? Did you end up working together?

9:33

I saw him at a few other events, but no, we didn't end up specifically working together. I don't think it was because of that incident—it was just that project needs changed. But looking back, did it affect my confidence a little in those scenarios? Yes, 100% it did.

9:54

It took your mind off of that project when that could have been an amazing opportunity to steward that donor. Scenario like that can really shift our comfort with ourselves.

10:20

Even if it wasn't malicious or intentional, it still affected me. I was at work having to experience something awkward like that, and here I am, how many years later, still thinking, "Should I tell anyone?"

10:35

The reason I appreciate what you're doing with this podcast is because what that experience did—which I'm proud of—was shift my career. It made me say, "I really want to facilitate conversations with fundraisers and nonprofit leaders so that we, as peers in shared safe spaces, can have difficult conversations and think through what we might do to prevent awkward scenarios." There are a lot of stories out there, and I know I'm not alone in that. It's about how we think through taking care of ourselves in these scenarios together.

11:17

Exactly. The whole purpose of starting this podcast was to relate, so someone listening can go, "Oh my gosh, okay, I'm not the only one who has dealt with that." But I really feel like it will also facilitate a change or a course of action for someone who hears this. I've started to see more and more women saying, "I finally said something, and the world didn't end!" If your story gives someone the courage to say, "The next time I don't feel right about something, I'm not going to stay silent," that's powerful.

11:51

I'm thankful for you, and proud of you for sharing this with us. Is it a good story where we can all collectively gasp and go, "Oh my gosh, did that really happen?" Yes. But deeper than that, this is you reliving a bit of trauma from your past for the benefit of other people, to let them know they don't have to go through it in the same way.

12:19

Thanks for saying that. Practicing being in person is actually really important, and we forget that if we don't practice those skills, it can put us in more awkward social scenarios. AI and technology are streamlining our lives, but I don't want it to stop us from actually practicing human interactions.

12:56

Exactly. It's so easy now not to practice being in person when we're talking on Zoom or working from home. But the human element of nonprofit work, particularly in fundraising, is a skill—a muscle you have to work in order for it to function well.

13:21

Sometimes things that don't seem like a big deal to other people can really change your course for the better or worse, and I feel like it changed yours for the better. I'm so grateful for the person you are now. Keep showing up as you, because I'm inspired by you and appreciative of you sharing your experiences with us.

13:40

For everybody listening who has a story to tell: the purpose of this podcast is to collectively sigh, breathe, laugh, or cry together. I want you to feel like you can participate and that this is a safe space for you. We can tell your story in whatever way is best for you—keep the pieces that are deep for you, and share the pieces that will make an impact for everyone else.

14:03

If you have any desire to do that, click the link in the description to fill out a form to be on the podcast—we'd love to have you. This is your reminder to hydrate, practice self-care, and connect with each other. Christa, thank you for joining us, and podcast listeners, thank you for joining us. We will see you all next time!